Reflection

April 2, 2012

                I warn you all, this post is in regards to what happened to me a year ago today. If you don’t want to read it, I understand, so, I thought I’d give you a spoiler alert and give you the chance to escape now.

Everyone still here? Good. Welcome!

                So there’s this show that I’ve been watching again just for fun called “Nip Tuck” and it’s about two plastic surgeons in Miami. In the episode I watched today, the one doctor, Sean, was driving and he was hit by a guy running a stop sign. In the rest of the episode he dealt with PTSD and the challenges of choosing a new car to keep him safe. I am reminded that it was almost exactly a year ago that I nearly lost my life in that car accident that is nearly the same as the one this fictional character went through. Sean tells his partner, later in the episode, that he got into a rental car and couldn’t even start the engine, he was so terrified, and his partner says to him “Post traumatic stress disorder” and Sean replies, “I didn’t go to war, Christian, I had a car accident” to which Christian says “Your brain doesn’t car if it was a bullet or a car, you faced death.”

                Now, I know that I didn’t really come close to death per se, but, I would certainly label it as the most traumatic thing that has happened in my life. I’ve been reflecting on what my life has been like since that night, and how I’ve changed in the year since the sounds of crunching metal and shattering glass became the most terrifying sounds to my ears.  Part of me wants to focus on the negatives of what happened, like the way I seem to walk with a limp that I don’t notice but others say to me “are you limping a little, Brit?” or the way I can be going about my day just normally and then get a shooting pain from my hip down to my kneecap that makes me momentarily swoon and grab on to the nearest structure. I want to focus on the way I can’t itch my right thigh the way I can itch my arm when I need to, but instead, when I have an “itch”, I have to smack my thigh several times in the right spot in order to feel relief, how when a friend gave me a massage and brushed over my collarbone his hands recoiled in shock at the weird bump he felt, or how one of the singers on board said to me “I have screws in my ankle, and when it’s cold out and I come inside, my ankle still feels cold on the inside where the screws are, the way metal stays cold when it’s been outside.” And I wonder if I’m going to have the same sensations in my pelvis when I’m hunkered down in the Cleveland winter.

                 It’s easy to focus on the negatives, and I could continue listing them here, boring my poor readers to death with tales of the woes I face with my jacked up right side and the occasional PTSD dreams and episodes like Sean’s. Instead, I want to focus on all the good that’s happened in the last year. I know people usually do this reflection on New Year’s Eve/Day, but, April 1^st/2^nd is more significant for me than that, so, come with me as I wax nostalgic about the past year.

                I feel like I should start with the relief I felt when the doctor finally discharged me and sent me home from the hospital, 2 weeks after I’d been admitted. The flat layout of my house and the fact that my amazing mother was able to alter her whole schedule in order to stay at home with me are two things for which I am eternally grateful.  And now, in the interest of making the rest of this post as un-boring as possible I shall bullet point some of the good things that come to mind post-accident. These are in no specific order, folks, just so you know.

-- I lost a good amount of weight since the accident, and by no means am I a spring chicken, but, I know that I’m still smaller than I was last year

-- I landed the job with Royal Caribbean International from my kitchen table, swearing sweatpants and a pretty top, sitting in a wheelchair

-- I attended the college graduation of a number of my close friends a mere month and a half after the accident

-- I gained a new appreciation for people with chronic pain and am now prepared for the physical therapy I will face if/when I have my hip replaced later in life

-- I came out to work on the high seas and met tons of people from all over the world, most of whom I know I’ll stay in touch with after I leave

-- I reconnected with a woman I hadn’t seen since childhood

-- I strengthened relationships with old friends and formed closer bonds with new friends

-- I walked down the aisle in June at one of my best friend’s weddings using a cane and made it look good

-- I semi swing danced at the reception of one of my other best friend’s weddings in July

-- I made good strides towards mending my broken heart

-- Through the accident, clearer lines have been drawn between what/who is real and what/who is fake

-- I’ve seen places that I never dreamed I’d see, like the glistening white “sails” of the Sydney Opera House and the quaint, romantic water bungalows of Bora Bora

-- This one is kind of positive and negative, but, I spent most of my favorite days of the year on this ship, floating around the southern hemisphere

-- My brother asked a wonderful someone to marry him, and she asked my sister and me to be a part of the bridal party in August

-- I erased all of my college debt

-- I now understand how fleeting life can be, how nothing is guaranteed

-- Along those lines, I think I’ve been more self-assured when it comes to grabbing life by the horns, and not waiting for something to come to you: if you want it, go after it!

As it nears 1am for me, my brain is running out of creative juice, so forgive me for cutting this list short. Just know that there are a lot more things that I am thankful for, and things that are positive that came out of the horrific accident that night. I am so thankful that God allowed me to live through that ordeal and that I had so much support, then and now.

You are all a dear part of my life, and you will be forever.

I can’t wait to see you all this spring/summer!

Big hugs and kisses

B